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Have something funny you
would like to share?
Send it on over and I will see to it that we all enjoy it.
Redneck Hunters
Redneck Zoo
A small Memphis Wild Animal Park had acquired a very
rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very "in the mood," and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined
the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were
no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park
administrators noticed Ed, a part time
redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had
little sense, but possessed ample ability
to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a
solution.
Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for
$500? Ed showed some interest, but
said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three
conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to
have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his
third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "you gotta give me another week to come up with the
$500."
SOUTHERN TERRORIST
ADVISORY, ATLANTA (AP - August 28)
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia and Mississippi
announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their States.
Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved
with local girls.
The result is not pretty, and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation
of a new sector of the human race:
Islamabubbas.
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but Pat
Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off.
To date, the Coalition has identified the following children:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba,
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit,
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba,
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba,
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat,
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl and
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have sprung from
one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin
By David Letterman ....
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his
bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and
locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that
rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped .....
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of
"Hillary".
08-9-02 submitted by KN
What A Lifesaver
08-9-02
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes
the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts
her coffee cup down on
the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets
up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and
starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few
seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the
woman deftly catches in
her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never
seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. ........"Divorce Attorney."
Thank you TJ
Lost In The Snow
08-9-02
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what
her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow
storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.
She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the
driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She
explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the
snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart
parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
Cold Chili
08-9-02
A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is cold chili.
When the waitress comes to
take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili."
"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress.
"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."
After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili
is finishing a rather
large meal and the chili bowl is still full.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he
gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in
the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as Igot, too."
my thanks to Dark Guyer for giving me an appetite
08-4-02
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. She obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti; two with meatballs, one without."
08-4-02
A Riddle
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
George Burns's was hot
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
(Answer below)
A Last Name
The
Bunny and the Snake
06-15-02
"Oh,
thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to
the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you
the same way you've helped me." So the
bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you
have a forked tongue, no backbone
and no gonads. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly
someone in upper management."
16 REASONS WHY
ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare@ss" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross."
Submitted by Woodnymph
An old man was sitting on a
bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair that was
all different colors -- green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said. "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild
in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just
wondering if you were my son."
Submitted by a spirit of the Wood
This is a derivative of a golden oldie.... and it's still good - Talon
One day a guy with premature ejaculation
problems went to a doctor.
The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle
yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.
When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they
got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to
cum, so he fired the pistol.
The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went.
He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit
in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his
hands up."
Submitted by Susan
Subject: Economics 1A
In case you were wondering how Enron came into
so much trouble, here is an
explanation reputedly given by an Aggie professor to explain it in terms
his students could understand.
Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and
the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Venture Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,
using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get
all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of
the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all
seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?
Submitted by a Mom
<>An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog
called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful princess." He bent over,picked up the
frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again
and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one
week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog
then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you
want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at
it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog
asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay
with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm
an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend,
but
a talking frog...that's cool."
Submitted by Tiana